And if you want to hear far more naughty samples of my erotic creations, click here!
Or should that be Reddit? Today I Fucked Up by trying to have sex on a beach. Never have sex on a beach.
Let me explain.
We’d planned it all out. We’d started the day in her favourite cafe. I’d had my mocha with extra cream, she’d had her soy-latte with extra vegan shit in it and everything was great. The birds were singing, we were high on caffeine and bean juice, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
Life, as they say, was perfect.
We bundled ourselves into her tiny Nissan Micra and we were off! Nothing could stop us and we headed out into the wild wastelands of… Well, Cornwall, but it was pretty, OK? Just because the scariest thing in the UK is a cow doesn’t mean it can’t be wild, thank you.
Anyway, once we got to the beach, we set ourselves up and she hired us two boards to play around with. She got me a body-board to help me get used to how it feels to ‘catch a wave’ and everything was going great. I tired myself out in about an hour and decided to go back to our ‘camp’ while I watched her do her thing in the sea.
By the time she came back, I was ready to jump her. She was hot, wet and ready to get naked.
Now, we’d set up in the dunes to keep the wind off us, so we were nice and sheltered, but still, the rush of getting naked outdoors was real and we were giggling like kids as we rolled around on our towels together.
It wasn’t until our fingers started to explore ‘down there’ that we realised our mistake.
Diary. Sand should not be allowed to get into those kinds of crevices. I’m walking like John Wayne. I’ve had three baths and I swear I’m still finding sand.
And I’ve still got to write that essay!
Why, Diary, why did no one tell me about this beforehand?